Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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