Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
