im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
