just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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