just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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