I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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