SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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