Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
