sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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