I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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