i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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