wakey wakey hands off snakey
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
