maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
