I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
