Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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