I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
a search helicopter?!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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