All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
