Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
