How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
