Umm I'm too high to move.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
