Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
