if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
