News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
