I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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