She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
