How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
