omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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