sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
And then he peed in my hair
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