what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
