I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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