I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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