drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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