Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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