Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
