clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
