Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
