oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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