i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
