dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
