if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
