I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
