i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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