3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
