Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
whose parrot is this?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
