Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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