I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
