Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
