she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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