Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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