You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
