That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
