I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
