its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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