Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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