I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
